This past weekend, following “Black Friday” I was surprised to get a text message from the North Pole. It was my dear friend Kris Kringle (aka: Saint Nicholas, Santa Claus, Sinterklaas, and a few others). The text string went:
Me: What’s it been? One year since I last heard from you.
Kris: Watch it or I’ll put you on the naughty list.
Me: What’s new Kris. I’m always on the naughty list.
Kris: So, have you seen my new outdoor stuff the elves have been working on this year?
Me: You mean stuff like the Caldwell Shooting Supplies Lead Sled Plus?
Me: Well it’s pretty cool, especially when you use the Caldwell Lead Sled Weight Bags with it. For the serious shooter and gun hunter it’s just the ticket for minute of angle (MOA) accuracy when sighting in.
Kris: Well why haven’t you told anyone about it? I haven’t received any e-mails asking for it hardly. The elves stuffed a pile of them in my bag.
Me: Yeah-yeah, blame the outdoors writer.
Kris: Well, the elves in our research and develop division over in the Yukon came up with another successful product with binoculars that’ll be perfect for birders this spring.
Me: You mean the Bushnell 10 x 36 Legend Ultra HD with prime ED glass that provides extra low light dispersion for amazing color resolution?
Kris: Where did you get all that from?
Me: Let’s just say one of your elves was vacationing in the French Quarter catching a few beads on Bourbon Street dur-ing Mardi Gras, where we run into each other and leave it at that.
Kris: I told him folks were friendly down there and like to pass a good time.
Me: I heard your labs in the Yukon were also working on some kind of can to keep fishing worms fresh too.
Kris: He told you that too. I suppose he told you that you can unscrew the bottom lid and fill the bottom of the can with ice and unscrew the top lid and place the worms in the top half keeping them fresh all day?
Me: Uh — well, yes. And, said you call it the FRABILL Crawler Can. Pretty cool idea as hot as it gets down here in the summer. I might could use one of those myself, when I go bream fishing in Flat Lake next spring.
Kris: You’re on the naughty list — remember?
Me: How could I forget.
Kris: How about stocking stuffers?
Me: What about them?
Kris: Careful or you won’t receive as much as a Team Catfish Fish Grip.
Me: A what?
Kris: The Fish Grip. My www.TeamCatfish.com elves have really come up with the perfect fish grabber. I think your red-fish, speckled trout and catfish anglers down there will get a lot of use out of them. They’re made from durable plastic and have a vice grip-like hold second to none.
Me: OMG Kris. What did you do, clean house up there and hire a bunch of young University of Minnesota at Duluth grads this past spring?
Kris: Speaking of cleaning. You’ll love this. And, yeah we did hire some cold weather people. We went to Baton Rouge and tried to hire a few engineers from LSU and they said something about Big 10 teams not being able to play in the SEC and not traveling that far north to beat up on a weaker division. But, my new elf from Wisconsin came up with the Code Blue Eliminix Laundry Ball. You put these things in the washer with your hunting cloths and it emits negative ions that weaken soil on fabrics thus eliminating the use of smelly laundry detergent that deer detect.
Me: What about ammunition? I know you got some new fangled ammo.
Kris: I do. But, I don’t like to say too much around the reindeer. They’re sensitive about things like this. My Lightfield Ammunition manufacturers have come up with three 12-gauge slugs that are ideal for big game. They’re called Hybred Lites reduced recoil sabot slugs, Hybred Expansion sabot slugs, and Hybred Elite maximum expansion sabot slugs. All of these are accurate out to 200-yards, with muzzle energy of over 2,000 foot-pounds. All of them shoot 1¼-oz. (546 gr.) slugs and are lethal on deer and hogs.
Me: I don’t suppose you have targets too?
Kris: As a matter of fact, yes I do. The elves really got creative on these. They are the Birchwood Casey Darkotic Splatter Targets. They will really catch the Zombie hunter’s eyes when they see them. Talk about fun at the shooting range.
Me: Anything else?
Kris: Well my elves have been working with Lonnie Stanley — the Reel it Feel it guy — on some great new baits.
Me: Baits? We like baits down here in the Atchafalaya Basin.
Kris: Well your bass anglers will love the new itzabug plastics and Vibra Shaft spinner-baits. You can Texas or Carolina-rig the plastics that come in a variety of colors. And, the Vibra Shaft spinner-baits will really agitate bass into striking.
Me: Well Kris, it looks like you and the elves really pulled out all of the stops this year. Great job. I’ll let the folks know that they have a little over three weeks before Christmas and to get online and send you an e-mail.
Kris: You keep talking like that and you might get off the naughty list.
Me: Yeah-yeah-yeah. That’ll be the day.
Before I delete this string, Kris wanted me to let everyone know he said to have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
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